Putting a (Palm) Spring in my Step

Firstly. Apologies for the delay in this blog entry, the wifi at the previous hotel was very, very unreliable.

The Coachella Valley is simply one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I’ve posted some photos but they don’t do it even a vague justice. The combination of huge mountains, palm trees and desert makes a stunning vista.

It’s also one of the hottest. I, a geek for summer, is very happy about that. I thought I might struggle to adjust from winter, but nope, I was immediately looking for a rock, that I could lie on like a lion and just bask. Sadly, my travel partners are not as super keen as I am.

There’s been a gap in blog entries because there’s been not a lot to say.  Flight was long, but fine.  Then we drove to Palm Springs. Yesterday was mostly focused on recovering from jet lag for three of the four of us, and for worshipping any and all sun gods by the other.

A basic summary of the actual trip to Palm Springs. LA freeways are terrifying, blinkers/indicators appear to be optional, the Palm Springs area is mad for windfarms, and despite the instincts to just drive straight to the hotel, you really should stop for hydration.

So today was our first proper day. Unfortunately it got started a little later than planned as the one person who spent yesterday behaving like a lion, took it too far and slept for about 12 hours l ike one.

We started the day with a drive into actual Palm Springs, as we’re staying in a nearby town - Palm Desert. We drove up to the Visitor Center, where I bought a mid century modern architecture map. I  and we would advise that it was only $5 but not worth it.  I was sort of hoping for a suggested path, but they
didn’t offer one. So we drove around a bit blindly, trying to find places on the map, mostly unsuccessfully. What you don’t realise is that the mid century modern places are not as prominent as you’d expect, the majority of the buildings are much more South Western adobe style. So we didn’t really see what I’d hoped for.

The architecture was my main reason for coming here, so I had to dull the pain of missing out on most of it, by going shopping. And shopping I did. Plus size shopping is so much better in the US, it’s insane. There are so many choices, so many extended sizes. I can shop so easily here but basically can’t buy anything in store in Adelaide.

Things I learned while shopping:

one - people get very confused by you not wanting either their loyalty card or store credit cards, especially when you try and say it’s because you are Australian.

two -that Courtney having an e in it, is apparently quite the surprise.

three - that when a store has a buy one get two free sale, the pressure to find the third item is intense.

four - there is something really weird when a store asks you to contribute to a charity and the charity is to help a primary school teacher with school supplies. I find that so screwed up.

five - I wear a smaller size here 😀

six - and this is the most horrifying, I bought jeggings because it turns out they are both super comfortable and look amazing. I’m going to buy more.

So, yes, I shopped. I shopped hard. R.I.P. my shoulder and back, who died lugging around my now insanely heavy suitcase.

Dinner was at a sports bar. The great thing about a holiday is when you forget what day it is, and so we rocked up oblivious to it being Friday night. Thankfully we didn’t have to wait too long, and the deliciousness of the world’s most over proportioned dessert made up for a bad mac and cheese.

So, despite the lack of mid century modern architecture, a very high recommendation for the Palm Springs area, it’s an absolute stunner.

The next chapter will feature an old English flashback and possibly the most famous highway in the world.

Toodles

ROADTRIP!!

This is a quick blog tonight, because I am so tired, and just wasted what little energy I had on seven hundred and 96 attempts to recover the password for this site.

It’s funny how when you are on leave you can often find yourself happily walking many kilometres, without thinking, when if someone suggested you do the same at home, you’d just raise an eyebrow before walking to the couch. It’s also funny how you get really smug about how much you walked, until it’s 5pm and you’re lying on your hotel bed whimpering.

Soooo. We’re on holiday again - yay. (Burglars if you are reading this, we have both a ninja and a samurai housesitting, and several angry Dobermen.)

We’re roadtripping around the USA with my parents in law. The itinerary is a bit undecided but effectively it’s two nights in Palm Springs, then nearly three weeks driving (exactly to where is the undecided bit) to Chicago, where my parents in law leave but we stay on for a couple of days to see wonderful friends, and then a good old stay in Disneyland.

My parents in law generously decided to accompany us, so we could do the roadtrip, as my dream is to get to Winslow, Arizona. (It’s a reference in Take It Easy by the Eagles. That band means a lot to me). I can’t drive and A doesn’t want to.

I’ll give more detail on all of the above in later blogs.

Tonight’s the first night but we’re still in Australia. (BOOOOORRRRRING.)

We’re in Sydney tonight, as we’re heading off from here tomorrow. So we’ve spent the afternoon wandering around Sydney. And sorry, Sydney but speaking of boring, man I find you dull. Pretty harbour, and I do love the Bridge and Opera House, but everything else. Meh.

Our plan to walk around the city and get dinner before heading back to our airport motel was scuppered by both the boredom and how unfit I am, so we ended up having a fancy dinner at the McDonalds in the international terminal. So classy. So really embracing new experiences and vacation life, here.

So that’s where we are. And now I’m going to nap.

Back as soon and as often I can.

Hope you’re well!

A few days later

Sometimes it's bizarre the things that become a win.

Case in point, not crying the other day when four teenagers openly made fun of the way I look, and in an even weirder example, since my last blog post, I hadn't thought I was having a stroke for four whole days. (Unfortunately I worried about that yesterday.) For some reason my hypochondria seems to be most concerned about me having a stroke or a brain tumour. It usually plays on my mind daily, so four days of "freedom" was amazing.

My perspective does seem to have shifted since I last wrote. Maybe seeing the words, or the time I took to make them coherent, or just the warmth I felt from those who read and took time to empathise
or send thoughts actually got through to me. I've felt healthier, both emotionally and physically since.

That said, I'm still anxious, and I'm still not able to sleep through the night etc but baby steps, and this week it finally felt like I took more than one step.

I'm trying to reframe how I see things, and how I cope with them. Instead of whipping myself into a frenzy over what I should be, or worse, who I should have been, I'm trying to think about who I am and who I can be (realistically...it may be time to accept that I will not be Colin Firth's trophy wife... actually no, I'll hang on to that goal a little longer.)

I think I've been dwelling on this idea that I'm going to fail at being in my 40s, because you have to be a real adult to be that age, and I'm not grown up enough. It's occurred to me that is absolutely ludicrous for a couple of reasons.

1) Where is it documented that you have to be a certain way to be an adult? Or that you have to have a certain level of maturity per age? Your age increases daily, whether you still like Disneyland or not. You don't only age when you hit a certain adult level.

2) I am actually a functioning adult. I'm not always brilliant at "adulting", but I make adult decisions
and deal with adult responsibilities and adult consequences everyday. I seem to be tracking alright so I'm going to assume that I handle at least of these responsibilities at least reasonably well. (I admit I have less, or perhaps different responsibilities than those who are parents.)

3) You can be and are allowed to be an adult and still enjoy "frivolous", "younger" things. I've been told that I should stop collecting toys, should stop wearing certain things, stop liking Disneyland, Snoopy etc, and I have felt lesser/a failure because I don't. Again, why? It's my personality, my likes, it's me, not my age. To give up my love of reading Sweet Valley High books, while listening to boy band music just because I'm in my 40s would be inauthentic to me. It's occurring to me that I'd rather be who I am, not the changed person I should apparently be.

This all comes back to my attempts to realise that I'm fundamentally good, and what's important is to know that I'm good enough. Those kids didn't bother me like they normally would the other day, because I'm more than my weight so I didn't need to feel ashamed, I was causing them no inconvenience so I didn't need to feel guilty, and my weight is just one aspect of my look so I didn't need to feel ugly. Plus I was somehow able to see that I the teasing was really more a reflection of them than it was me.

And importantly if someone chooses to focus on what they see as a negative about me, whether it's them finding me immature or ugly as examples, that is really much more on them, than a notice that I need to change. (I'm not talking about if I was behaving in a way that negatively affects someone. In that case, that's on me.)

Not every day is going to be up. I struggled with some work stuff today, and I know that I'm still going to struggle every day, and be able to be set back, but for a change I feel a bit stronger. A bit more in control, a bit more confident, a bit more valuable.

I hope these feelings do carry on. It's a welcome change to actually feel kind of okay.

And again, thank you for all those who have bee supportive. You're all wonderful. x

(The next blog will be about something way more frivolous. I promise. I'm hoping it'll be a discussion on the US trip I didn't get to blog at the time.)

Rambles of an Anxious Mind

Stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this…but it is a ramble and I will jump from subject to subject, and it goes to a negative place before hopefully ending positive (I haven’t finished yet, so I reserve the right…)

At the moment, I’m really struggling, both physically and emotionally. Struggling to the point where I’m even suffering physically from the effect of these emotions,and I no longer know if many of my symptoms are “real” or an anxiety symptom. At the moment, as an example, the lower left side of my abdomen is vibrating on and off. It’s such a weird feeling, and I have no idea if it’s a serious issue or my nervous system in a flutter. I’ve become a hypochondriac, who’s unable to trust what her body is telling her on any level and that’s a scary position to be in. I’m at the doctor’s a lot recently, and I’m worried that real illnesses are being lost in the ones that I’m accidentally overanalysing. The lump that my physio found near my neck, and said I should probably get it looked at, would normally be a pretty easy thing for me to deal with, but at the moment it’s not. 

There are so many thoughts in my head about it.

“OH GOD IT’S CANCER, YOU ARE DYING” screams the voice panic that unfortunately takes up too much room in my head.

“FOR THE LOVE OF… It’s just a bump of fat or something” says the more sensible me, “when you next go to the doctor get her to look at it, and it’ll likely be nothing”.

“Ignore it, it’s nothing, and your doctor already thinks you’re imagining stuff, so it won’t be taken seriously anyway” says the frustrated voice

“Ignore it, it’s something and you’d don’t want to know the consequences” says the scared voice, the voice that influences my decisions to choose flight over fight all day, any day. 

The worst voice of all says “It doesn’t matter what it is, fat, cyst or cancer, you’ve got yourself into this mess, with your unhealthy ways, you deserve this fear/suffering/sadness”, this is the voice that reverberates so often in everything I do, not just my health. It appears in my interactions with people, it talks to me when I look in the mirror. This voice pops up so often, the one that tells me that I’m choosing/doing the wrong thing, the one that tells me that I need to be miserable, that tells me I need to feel guilty, the one that tells me that I’m bad and I deserve to feel that way. 

I just called it the worst voice, but it actually has a twin - an equally terrible voice that’s less about what I deserve and how I just will never measure up in the first place. This is the voice that when I look at photos or in the mirror, whispers in my brain “you may as well be fat, because at least that makes your ugliness obvious, otherwise I’d have to point out that your nose is too wide compared to your mouth, note that your eyes are set differently, and one often looks near closed in photos, did you realise that your eyebrows don’t match each other etc?” This is the voice that prevents me from trying something new “You? You think you can do that, of course you can’t do that.” Combine that with the scared voice, and you get someone who’s too scared to try and prove those thoughts in wrong, in case they are right. Case in point, I really want to start pilates, I keep cancelling the sessions because the voices shriek at me, “you are going to look like an idiot, everyone is going to laugh at you, don’t try, run away”.

The two worst voices love to gang up on me in social interactions, especially when I’m with people that could be considered intimidating (e.g. anyone who may be smarter/prettier/kinder/more important than me – I find a lot of people intimidating.) (Although, heck I can even be intimidated ordering lunch at one of those salad places. “I don’t know what kind of lettuce, can I just please get a simple salad and be gone, WHY IS THERE SO MUCH PRESSURE? How does everyone else order without effort?!”)

“You know they aren’t going to like you. You aren’t important enough. Oh, wow are they judging you, I’d be judging you. You’re going to say something stupid aren’t you? Oh yeah, just stand in the corner and hide, look aloof or weak, that’ll make people flock to you. Oh, and you are right, you aren’t good enough for these people, and it’s pretty much your fault. People would like you more if you weren’t fat, could do your hair and makeup, were better read, were more interesting etc.”

Those voices always make me feel a need to apologise for everything, even existing. “I’m sorry I’m in your way random stranger on a footpath, I’ll walk into the road, to get out of your way”, “I’m sorry that you have to humour me, person, because it’s just pity that’s making you talk to me, I know”, “I’m sorry if I once accidentally winked instead of blinked and it’s made you feel uncomfortable” etc.

I’ve always had these soul crushing negative thoughts, ever since I was really young, they’ve come and gone in severity but have always been there. I’m trying to work out why they are so bad right now, when I’m actually in therapy, am in a place where on the surface life is quite good, I’ve been lucky (although I have worked for opportunities) and I’m old enough to realise that despite what my thoughts say, I’m actually kind of nice and fun. Occasionally I even take a really pretty photo.

It started with a restructure, when for logistical reasons, the team that I led was disbanded, and I was sent back to a version of my old job. I wasn’t technically demoted, but it felt so much like I was. I went back into a team and job that I used to be so confident with, but both had moved on, and I was forever behind the eight ball. Coupled with some office gossip that made me think that my behaviour had led to the decision to cut my team (which I only just learnt wasn’t true, and was never fair, I did my best to be good in that role), and my existing insecurities including imposter syndrome (as yet undiagnosed, unlike my actual anxiety but I’m going with it), my self esteem and confidence plummeted. I’ve been very proud of my work achievements and always hung my hat on them in the face of everything else, and this really knocked me about.

However, things changed and another restructure landed and I’ve just moved job again. So, while I’m pleased to have been recognised as worth keeping and valuable to another team, there’s a new round of nervous energy, a new group of people and tasks to feel intimidated by, and my desperate need to please/be instantly amazing has kicked into overdrive, so I’m on edge.

(Oh yeah, the need to please/be instantly amazing is really driven by those voices, but they are also very easily defeated, if I’m not instantly awesome/loved, I fall apart.)

Then there’s the milestone birthday. My 40th birthday is a few weeks away. I feel like the Jaws theme should be playing as I approach it. 

I foolishly have blown my 40th into a big production, almost by accident. 

Mistake 1 - I made it an arbitrary deadline (“I will have lost weight by it”, “I will have grown my hair by it”, “Iwill have taken up <insert hobby or something here>”)for things that are a lot more complicated than just “will do by this date”. 

Setting a deadline like this is a huge mistake because it brings in the “you’re going to fail” voice, followed quickly by the “told you, you failed, loser”. The “it’s too late to fix things now, the suffering is permanently yours, or you will suffer in the future because of this” voice pops in as a chaser.

Mistake 2 – I decided I had to make it count. I’ve never had a proper birthday party, and dammit this was going to be the excuse. Except, oh no, I can’t have a party, my birthday’s in winter, my house is wrong to host something, I’m too lazy/cheap to organise an event, oh and, thanks voices for reminding me, I don’t have enough friends. 

That last point has been a kicker. It’s made me really think too hard about my place in the world when it comes to relationships. I’m happily married to my best friend, so I’m not alone or lonely (most of the time), and I realise that I am very lucky to be in that position. I also have grown up with two sisters who are brilliant, have great parents, married really well in terms of inlaws, and have friends and family that are wonderful people who I love,unfortunately many of them are far flung. However, I’ve still found myself feeling isolated lately. When I see other people celebrating with groups of people, or people hanging out with people they went to school with etc.

It’s also made me think about what energy I put out, and what I get back. It’s a selfish thought, but I think sometimes it’s needed because it can get emotionally exhausting if you are always a doormat, and I know I veer that way.

Mistake 3 – I’ve become paranoid about not making it to my 40th birthday. Something about the idea of dying at 39 really irks me. 

This is where the guilt about how I treat my health has really exploded. I really strongly dislike myself for our out of shape I’ve let myself get, and the ways I let it affect me, from always feeling unwell, to being paranoid about taking someone’s space on public transport so I hurt myself contorting into positions I think are least going to affect them. Even if I’m not touching them anyway.Flying which I love, has become a nightmare. I feel like I deserve to suffer healthwise, which is terrible and counter intuitive to looking after myself.

So, I’ve created my own hell in many ways, and instead of looking forward to my 40th, I’m counting down till it’s over.

So if I can ignore the spectre of 40, and can take a deep breath over my health, how do I get better, how do I learn to love me, how do I start trusting myself, heck can I even dream of feeling proud of myself. 

I said to someone recently, when discussing my anxiety, the most frustrating thing is being able to identify the negative thoughts and feelings, and knowing that you should be better/stronger but not finding the ways to actually be, it would be easier to be less self-aware. 

I’m one of those people who can vividly remember the embarrassing, the isolating, and the sad moments of my life. As an example, I don’t have one memory of me laughing when I was in school. I must have, but those thoughts are gone, in favour of remembering the time(s) I ran crying from a classroom, or was told off or told that “I wasn’t welcome to sit there”. It’s ridiculous. I’ve moved on so far, and life was never that bad, but I just remember being an emo teen before emo was cool, and feeling like I’ve let that damage and shape me in ways it should never.  The friends I made in my first few years of university, I had a falling out with where I don’t even know what happened. I just knew that I was suddenly on the outer. One of the group once offered to tell me “what I’d done wrong” but I declined the offer, honestly I was different, but I’d never been deliberately unkind to them, and so I honestly knew that I had done nothing so wrong that I had to shoulder all responsibility, and to say otherwise was unfair. Maybe I could have learned something, but appointing blame on a relationship that moved in different directions was unneeded.

As someone who struggles with the concept of not being likeable, it’s taken me a long time to accept, and I still really don’t, that people aren’t going to like me. It’s, of course, irrelevant that I don’t like everyone, and that not being popular or loved by many isn’t actually the be all and end all. 

So, here I go, yes I have unlikeable characteristics, and yes, I’m sure that in every social situation, from school to a party, I’ve behaved in unlikeable ways. That said many of them are accidental, I was told I was aloof, when I was just super shy, I’m overly apologetic as above, I can be needy, overly emotional, despite my feelings about being judged, I can be an expert level judge, I’m intolerant of ignorance, things that challenge my own moral code, and of Taylor Swift etc. (If I share this anywhere, feel free not to add to this list…)

But you know, everyone has behaviours/traits that aren’t stellar. It’s being human.

When I pause to really look into how my life is, I honestly think I’m actually a nice person, I care deeply about people and the world they live in (not enough to limit my hot showers to an environmentally friendly time). I am intelligent and I do want to know as much about things and the world that I can, I want to help people, I am generous, I want to push forward. I know I can make people laugh. I may not have a lot of close friends, but walking around the office in a different state the other day, and realising how many people came up to see me with smiles on their faces and talked to me about how nice it was to see me, affirms that I must be doing something right with people. People tell me they trust me, and they can. (I am a gossip hound for drama, but I can and will keep a secret.) I’m awkward when people are sad, because I feel emotions really deeply.

I have achieved a lot, to the point I no longer have much of a bucket list (which in some ways is bad, because I like having something to reach for). I’ve done really well in my career, even if I think of myself as an imposter and luck is a factor, I wouldn’t be where I am without talent and hard work. I’ve travelled lots, I’ve had experiences that are amazing, I have a nice house, a cat and things are actually good.

Nope, I’ll never be known as the prettiest girl in the room, something I’ve always dreamed of being, but that’s such an unobtainable thing to want to be, and when it comes down, I’d genuinely rather be kind and/or intelligent than really pretty. And maybe I’m not as hideous as I think,maybe I don’t have to hide behind the fat. If I look closely enough there’s a sparkle that comes on when I smile, and that mouth/nose ratio I worry about, maybe it’s less about the size of my nose, but the small button mouth I have that when posed correctly looks like something a 1920sHollywood starlet strived for. (I’m getting ahead of myself here but go with it.) 

I’m also stronger than I give myself credit for; I frequently have people telling me (often myself) that I fall apart in difficult situations, and sometimes I do, but sometimes I don’t. I am capable, not always, but even the strongest can’t weather all storms. I am able to grow and learn and challenge myself. I can do some of the things I’ve been sure I can’t. I can also learn to just enjoy trying. It’s time to tell myself that I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be someone who’s not me, I just have to find my opportunities to be the best I can be at the time, in the circumstances and I have to find a chance to smile. 

As I’ve written this, I’ve felt my emotions changing, the first page and a half, I felt miserable, like the words were able to cut me, but as I’m trailing off, I’m feeling better. I don’t need to be held to an arbitrary date, which my 40this to achieve things. It’s time to accept that it’s not too late, that I still have time to change the things I don’t like, to be a better me, to be a fitter me, to be a happier me, and quite frankly stop worrying about impending doom, it could happen at any time, it is going to happen, so the best I can do is live and enjoy what I have, and what I have achieved.

It’s time to accept that I can hold a conversation with people, I can be interesting, most importantly I am valid.

I’m desperate to add in a disclaimer, as every time I say something nice about myself I feel like I’m being arrogant and so instantly feel a need to point out something bad about me, but I think I’ve already addressed that the bad qualities do exist, and I need to learn that it’s actually okay to be happy with yourself. (Plus my psychologist has told me I have to quit with the disclaimers.)

This is all just me writing thoughts down, but while I haven’t taken the action I’ve talked about yet, I think this is important in me reframing my narrative. Whatever life is ahead of me, no matter how it may end or when, no matter if that lump is nothing or something, I can be proud of me, I can like me and I can keep working to make me and other people smile.

That’s what’s actually important to me. I hope I can really start to believe that. 

Titles are hard.

There's possibly something not right about spending Valentine's Day actively hoping for a fiery relationship breakdown on a television show, but that is life tonight. This blog entry may be punctuated with me yelling "fight!" at the Married At First Sight couples. I am here for the drama.

I haven't blogged every day as intended <insert shocked face>. Frankly I'm still trying to work out what I want to talk about, particularly as I'm hoping to have to consider an audience. I've been pondering everything from whether I should pick a theme, to the length of posts, to whether I can cone up with enough "witty" titles. Long story short, I've decided that I'm just going to write about anything and everything. I'm looking forward to our upcoming trip though. I'm going to blog the heck out of that. (Wifi permitting.)

So....I am not able to give a review of the 90s pop concert I went to last week, as I only lasted one act before the heat got to me and I had to go home. So that's disappointing. I may be able to make that up with a review of the Guns N Roses concert, as I'm off to that on Saturday.

I'll be honest though, as much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm also dreading it. As mentioned my anxiety levels are high at the moment and I'm stressing about everything from the transport there and home to inconveniencing other people at the concert because of my size etc. I'm sure I'll relax once there and have a great time.

God, Anthony on Married At First Sight is behaving so awfully tonight, I had to pause this blog to respond in an appropriate and mature manner... I sledged him via a SpongeBob SquarePants gif on twitter. That'll learn him.

Speaking of social media, the drummer of my favourite band liked my comment on his instagram post today, so that'll be the highlight of my life for the next week.

Hmm, picking the best gif for twitter seems to have exhausted my brain power, so time to close this for the night.

Next blog will involve either excitement because our car is back, or deep despair as we are still without it and continue to be serving "home detention", plus the start of the great kitchen renovation process that will likely dominate future blogs.

Till next time, I hope you have reasons to smile. x

Tuesday rambles - 7/2/17

Journal Entry - Day 67654 of not having a car.

Okay, it's only been two and a half weeks, but no car and no ability to go get gelati makes Courtney go something something...

This craziness is really quite odd considering I don't drive myself. Aaron and I are one of those couples though that do most things together, and we love getting out and about. So weekends usually involve at least one random drive somewhere. (And by random I mean we search out bakeries. Cornish pasties are the truffles to our pig.)

I've never been good at just staying at home, even for a day. Even on a sick day, I get stir crazy. So while thanks to the generosity of family, and Woolworths free delivery days, we have been able to run errands etc, the freedom the car brings has been greatly missed.

The car, Esme, short for Esmeralda, is finally at the repairer, so hopefully by the weekend, we'll be back in the Barossa Valley eating pastry.

In the meantime, I've decided that I'm going to try and blog every day. I will probably not share every post on Facebook etc because there will be dull ones, but also because that's a bit boring for everyone. If you'd like to read them, please always feel welcome - it'll be accessible through the Facebook updates and this URL.

The above said, I won't be blogging tomorrow night as I'm off to a 90s nostalgia concert. Heeee. It's a bunch of British/Irish pop bands. The headliner is B*Witched. Among the others it also features East 17, featuring two original members - unfortunately not the talented ones, and S Club 7 have been decimated, as they are just S Club 3 now. I'm expecting a full range of moments from delight to sheer horror. Probably more horror.

One thing about the show though... It's a 90s nostalgia show. That means many attendees are now old and I really wish it was going to end earlier than 11pm on a work night. Oh well, c'est la vie.

(Ha. See what I did there!)

A Blogger Without A Cause

I'm back in the blogosphere. I've been pondering a return for a few weeks and then today I unexpectedly got the push I needed to return.

The push came from my new psychologist. (Long story short, I go to therapy as I struggle with anxiety and a few other issues around self doubt and self confidence etc - maybe I'll talk more about it in another blog. I find it really helpful, now I've found a good one, and I don't mind talking about it.)

Something that's been on my mind lately is that I need a hobby, an outlet for the creativity that, if it exists in me, has been suppressed as I've either got annoyed with activities because I lacked talent, or I'd just decided it was "unnecessary".

Every idea I've had has been quickly dismissed, except for the thought of blogging again. I've been stewing though over the idea of what to write about, a theme, a purpose. Did I even need one? I've been reluctant to be a blogger that talks about other people in my life, or one that talks about general day to day stuff. I have constant, mindless Facebook updates for that. 😏 So I felt I needed something more.

In a bit of a story of my life though, trying to find some perfect to write about, meant I ended up writing about nothing.

So today I was talking to my new therapist (my last one left the clinic) and as I was rambling, she interrupted me with a blurted "Do you write? You should." It led to a conversation about my desire to blog again, and a discussion about what was stopping me.

"I don't have a lot that's interesting to say" *shrugs*
"Do you need to have something interesting to say? Can it just be a chance for you to write?"
*more shrugs* "I guess I could try."

(Amusingly, this is the second time someone has been quite insistent that I should write more seriously. Last time, it was a psychic, but I'm a sceptic so I didn't take it as seriously as this time.)

So, with apologies to Seinfeld, a show I don't actually like, I've decided to actually write about nothing after all. Well, hopefully, not nothing, but things that stand out in my life at the time of writing. Movies I've watched, thoughts, my quest for hobby satisfaction, my holidays and my overwhelming confusion over turning 40 this year etc.

I'll admit, I like an audience, so I hope that if you read this blog it entertains you.

Next post may be about movies - La La Land bad, Sing good. (Hmm just saved you a read...)

Toodles and take care!

Chicago in a Beanshell

I've got my blog timing all messed up, apologies. Accordingly Chicago is going to be condensed into one blog entry, as we've basically arrived and left since my last blog.

We had two full days in Chicago, and as we're now joining a coach tour and we did most of the obvious tourist things when we were there two years ago, we decided we wanted to be pretty lazy. So both days we didn't leave our hotel room till after 12!

The first day -  Friday - we started heading out for lunch at  Gino's Eastt, a deep dish pizza specialist. Deep dish pizza is like a pie filled with mozzarella cheese (and in our case sausage) and topped with tomato sauce.  They take about an hour to cook so we foolishly had appetizers.  Seriously portion sizes here are ridiculous. Aaron's appetizer was chicken tenders. They came out on a full size plate with at least two handfuls of French Fries. I had about 10 mozzarella sticks. I didn't finish them. Which is amazing.

After lunch, we rolled our way down to Navy Pier, a tourist spot we had missed last time. Last time we were in Chicago it was cold, foggy and a little wet, the weather was perfect this time so we could happily walk around and take great, pretty photos.  At Navy Pier - which is being redeveloped so a lot was closed but is a big marketplace and old style fun park area - we pretty much just wandered taking photos and being shocked that the endless water we were looking at was a lake, you could have sworn it was a sea.

We then headed back as we were again meeting friends for Japanese BBQ and a movie. Food was delicious and company fabulous. I tried edamame for the first time and liked it.

Then we went to the movies. It is so much cheaper than in Australia, it almost hurts. We saw Neighbors (Bad Neighbours in Australia). I wasn't a huge fan but it did have its moments.

Next day, was again lazy, and like the day before started with lunch at a spot that had been shown on Man vs Food. This time it was burgers at the Billy Goat Tavern. There's a famous old school Saturday Night Live based on the Cheezborger there. It was tasty.

Then we walked down to Cloud Gate, otherwise known as The Bean, or that giant reflective thing that people who go to Chicago pose in front of. Aaron had never heard of it, so we were treated to  his trademark underwhelmed face. We then spent nearly an hour staring at the Buckingham Fountain aka the fountain in the theme to Married With Children. (Please note that most of my staring was trying to work which angle would get me the most likes on Instagram....)

We've been super tired so we didn't do much else, just went out to dinner, at a chain restaurant called Grand Luxe Cafe. It was crazy busy, and the food felt rushed so it wasn't great. Although there was strawberry lemonade so I forgave everything very easily.

We're now in Scottsdale - adjacent to  Phoenix for two nights from which we embark on a Trafalgar  Coach tour. Our day has been spent getting here, doing laundry , going to a smokehouse for dinner  and taking  some photos of the Old Town area around the hotel.

Now it's time for a sleep. Hopefully I'll be back on blog schedule  from tomorrow.

Food Coma

Sorry this blog is a day late, yesterday was a busy and tiring one.

Since I last wrote to you, we've left New York City (*sobs*) and have arrived for a brief stay in Chicago.

So yesterday was our last full day in the Big Apple, and another chance to savour the delicious food choices of the city. New York embraces and revels in its multiculturalism (at least to my eye) which is very reflective in its food offerings. As part of our interest in food (and in maintaining my svelte figure) we had booked a Food Cart tour of the Financial District, with Turnstile Tours. It was by far away one of the things I was most looking forward to on our holiday and I was not disappointed at all.

The tour was to start just off Wall Street, so we got there about 90 minutes early, so we could wander around the area. Wandering around the lower part of Manhattan had been one of our favourite things we'd done on our first trip together to New York City. We ended up at the South Street Seaport, where we had never been before, and stared across at Brooklyn.

The food truck tour started at 12, and was possibly the best lunch ever. We stopped at 6 food trucks, and got samples (but generously sized samples).

The foodcarts were
- Veronica's Kitchen - jerk chicken, so well cooked the chicken slid off the bone. Aaron commented that it was probably the best savoury thing he'd eaten on the trip

- Adel's #1 Halal - best falafel I have ever had. It was so packed with herbs and cooked to crispy on the outside, and soft in the middle.

- Jianetto's Pizza - grandma style pizza. It was similar to the Sicilian at Spumoni Gardens on Tuesday,  but with a thinner crust.

- Souvlaki GR - chicken (or pork) souvlaki with the best Pita bread ever.

- Korilla BBQ - Mexican/Korean fusion. Korean beef and kimchi in Mexican tacos and burritos. Because I have some weird allergy towards corn tortillas and thus can't eat tacos, I was given a burrito here.

- Waffles and Dinges - OH MY GOD. Belgian Waffles smothered in cream and a sauce that was as if Anzac Biscuits had been melted. Similar colour and texture as Nutella, but actually tasty, unlike Nutella. (Controversial!). Waffles and Dinges was featured on Man vs Food.

The food was amazing. Genuinely amazing. The tour itself was also very informative. Example - there is currently a 20 year waiting list to get a food truck permit, and the list is so popular you have to win a raffle to even get on that! So anyone new has to find a permit owner willing to lease their permit out. This is a cost of around $20,000!

After the tour ended, we decided the day was beautiful and we should walk the 9km back to our hotel. Obviously we were completely food drunk to think that was a good idea. We did it, walking down Broadway, until we got to Madison Square Park where we swapped to 5th Avenue to avoid some of the crazy foot traffic that exists around Macy's. It took us about 2.5 hours with a few short breaks.

We didn't have a lot of time after we arrived back to the hotel before we had to go out for dinner on the way to see the new musical Bullets Over Broadway, based on the Woody Allen movie with Zach Braff in the John Cusack role.

It was okay. The songs were not at all memorable and the very end was so weird/disjointed that it's affected my memories of the show but parts of it were good. Very few of them featured Zach Braff though, unfortunately. He sang better than I expected but he was overacting you couldn't really see his character instead of a Woody Allen impersonator.

This morning we left NYC (I cried again) to travel to Chicago. Where the weather was perfect in NYC, it was in the 30s and very humid here. Apparently it's going to rain tomorrow which'll hopefully break the humidity.

We got to our hotel, checked in and discovered we had been upgraded to a one bedroom suite. Awesome - the lounge suite is so comfy, I'm wondering if the hotel would notice if I took it with me.

For dinner we joined friends in Chicago at RPM, which is a restaurant founded by Bill and Giuliana Rancic. The food was really tasty and served Italian tapas style - even the pasta was shared which with the conversation made the night a lot of fun. I have now also developed an obsession with Zucchini frites. We ate so much food, for a reasonably cheap price (not super cheap but when you realised how much we ate for the price it was definitely reasonable). So I'm in my second food coma in as many days.

No real plans until dinner and a movie with the same friends tomorrow, so we'll see how things play out. :)

A Quiet Day In The Chaos

I'm standing at the window of my hotel room, watching 7th Avenue all the way as it interested with Broadway and forms Times Square. The lights of the billboards and signs (and traffic) shining brightly, and thinking how very, very lucky I am in life. It's a mix between feeling very humbled and feeling completely joyous.

As I've mentioned before New York City seems to own a large part of my soul, and makes me emotional!

Today we had no plans, and in New York City where every corner leads you to a new sight or adventure, that can be a little overwhelming, as we really didn't know what to choose to do.

Our first move was a mistake. We went to the reasonably famous Carnegie Deli across the road from our hotel, for their huge sandwiches. The sandwiches were very, very expensive and while very well filled, the meat itself tasted horrible and was really fatty. So blergh. Don't go there.

Amazingly, sitting at the table next to us was a group who had been on our pizza tour yesterday. In a city as huge as this, the odds of that seemed so unlikely.

After feeling a bit down over lunch, we walked to somewhere we know we loved - the beautiful Bryant Park - home of the New York Public Library. (We didn't go in, as we've done it before,  but if you ever go, you have to go in - it's amazing.) The weather was perfect and we spent a few minutes just sitting there soaking it up. I also lamented the NFL store that had been there last time was gone.

After I spent time ogling my beloved Chrysler Building, we walked around the park and headed off to get Empire State Buildings photos too. Then in order to satisfy my cupcake craving (it's New York, it's compulsory!) we walked to Macy's to use their wifi so I could find a nearby Crumbs. This walk happened to go past a Sephora, and I do have to give credit to my very patient husband, who followed me around the perfume rollerball aisle without complaint.

Cupcake coordinates acquired, I was standing at a counter wondering if all of them was an acceptable answer when I was asked for my order. I settled on a cookie dough cupcake, because well...cookie dough. It was delicious.

Unfortunately, I've managed to really hurt my arm, nothing bad, but it feels deeply bruised or strained and it started aching so next trip was to a pharmacy for the American version of deep heat and then back to the hotel to apply.

After realising the restaurant we were going to go to dinner at was closed, we ended up deciding to follow the theme of the day and just walk until something took our fancy. Obviously we were easy to please as we got one block before choosing somewhere.

As it's Agents of Shield night, I had to get back! So it's a quiet night tonight as we have a busy day tomorrow.

Till next blog, take care!

Deliciousness By The Slice

I know you'd all be surprised to hear that when I discovered there was such a thing as a pizza tour available in New York City, that I was somewhat eager (read as absolutely desperate) to go on it. Today was the day - we went on a pizza tour of Brooklyn with A Slice of Brooklyn tours.

The bus picked us up in Union Square, a part of Manhattan we actually hadn't been before, but we quickly headed out of Manhattan, and into the Borough of Brooklyn for over four hours. (The theme song of Welcome Back Kotter was in my head the whole time, except for the bit when we saw where the opening of Saturday Night Fever was filmed, and I briefly found myself singing along to the BeeGees.)

The theme of the tour was a pizza tour but really the pizza was an excuse to visit Brooklyn and get a history of certain neighbourhoods, including a brief walk on the Coney Island boardwalk. I completely fell in love with Brooklyn. Brooklyn is the sort of place you always see on TV looking rundown or full of gangsters so it was surprising to see beautiful neighbourhoods with mansions or just spacious, pretty, well kept homes and so much greenery. Also so attractive about Brooklyn was the blend of ethnicity there, it felt like the whole world was in the neighbourhood. I'm just smitten.

Oh and did I mention there was pizza?! We tried two different kinds at two famous pizza joints - Grimaldi's and L&B Spumoni Gardens. Grimaldi's specialises in coal fuelled brick oven thin crust pizza and is situated just next to the Brooklyn Bridge. L&B's specialises in Sicilian pizza in the heart of Brooklyn. The pizza at L&B's is a square cut, double baked fluffy crust pizza where the cheese is underneath the tomato paste. I saw it on Man vs Food and didn't see how it would work but it does, it was delicious. So was Grimaldi's. Also cool with Grimaldi's is that there a big lines for it and we got to skip the line *evil laugh*. I probably preferred Grimaldi's but would eat both again.  As in, if someone would like to bring me a slice of either one I'm staying at....

After bring dropped back in a Union Square we started the 40 block trek back to the hotel (blocks are small here, so it was about an hour walk with traffic).  The walk took us down Broadway, past the Flatiron building - Aaron's favourite building in NYC, through the original Madison Square Garden and oh, how coinicidentally, it took us to Macy's. I saw the lost look in Aaron's eyes as he watched me run into the store shrieking in glee. Macy's did not disappoint. They were having a huge clearance sale, and it was a further 25% off on those items today.  *evil laughs again*. I was restrained and bought just three items, including another greatly reduced Ralph Lauren jumper. Honestly to be plus size and be able to buy designer items is just amazing, to be able to buy them for under $30 is beyond stunning.

We ended the evening at Ellen's Stardust Diner. It's a diner near Times Square featuring Broadway hopefuls as the wait staff and in between serving they perform songs. It's a lot of fun, the staff are excellent singers.

We're now back in the hotel room, somehow completely exhausted. Tomorrow is a completely free day, we're not sure where it'll lead us. So talk to you about it tomorrow night!!

It's Good To Be Home

Sorry for the delayed post. I just couldn't get a coherent thought together last night. In all honesty, it's not much more likely that this will make sense now.

Basically, my brain goes into hysteric New York City conniptions because I'm just so very, very happy to be here. People ask why and the answer is simple - squirrels... :p In all seriousness, it's actually hard to describe, it really is the vibe. Somehow I have a complete sense of belonging when I'm here.

We flew in yesterday afternoon, in a quick flight (scheduled as three hours - landed in much closer to two) from New Orleans. We flew over the city as we came in, I had a beautiful moment where the first city look I got was of the Chrysler Building. I have a crush on the Chrysler Building, I stop still when I see it. It's just beautiful architecture.

After checking in, we popped almost next door to grab a snack from a cafe we love called - Fluffy's. (Which prompted a discussion on how our beloved cat is - good news is as well as can be hoped for). It was raining a bit so we dawdled in our room until it was time for a dinner booking. We went to a Cuban place/chain called Havana Central. It was packed, and packed with New Yorkers which we found a good sign. The food was delicious, let's face it, a menu that features a cheese dip with chorizo, is a winner.

This morning, we got up and headed for anther booking at Serendipity 3, a very, very popular cafe  famous for three things - its frozen hot chocolate, its $1000 opulence sundae and because it featured heavily in the John Cusack/Kate Beckinsale film - Serendipity. Glad we booked for lunch, because when it opened at 11:30, the line was around 30 people/groups long of those who hadn't booked. Lunch was delicious and the Frozen Hot Chocolate was so tasty.

We decided to have a leisurely Sunday walk around Central Park which was just lovely (despite the reappearance of my grumpy legs towards the end of the wander.) We started in the Central Park Zoo, which is small but very well done. We also had our first celebrity sighting - Mick Jones from Foreigner, who was standing next to us at one point. I was too shy/polite to ask for a photo.

Then just kept wandering until we had to turn around or my legs went on strike. The park was busy but not so busy that you couldn't easily move around and enjoy the beautiful day. Some very pretty photos were taken. There were also squirrels.

Tonight was pizza slices and then we headed off to see my very favourite musical - Rock of Ages. It is just a ridiculously fun show. It's full of 80s hair rock songs and very, very funny. I've seen it four times, and we're seeing it again in Vegas. (Thankfully Aaron also loves it.)

This blogs are becoming a little factual rather than the witty notes, I tried to make them, sorry about that, it's the problem with writing them at almost midnight.

On that note, goodnight all, have a good Monday.

The Sun Sets On The Crescent City

Ah Bourbon Street, you crazy monkey. Who'd have thought you'd actually be more likeable on a Friday night?! Not likeable enough for me not to be back in the hotel room by 8:30pm but more likeable than before. 

That's actually been New Orleans in a nutshell for us, it has definitely grown on us as we've gone along. We commented today that we feel content with the place, like our feelings towards Philadelphia or Boston, we liked the place a lot but we've had enough time here. There's enough left that if we ended up back here we'd still have things to explore and would have a good time but we wouldn't schedule a return visit in the foreseeable future. (I liked New Orleans and Boston but love Philadelphia though.)

Today was quite a lazy day, as we decided that we really needed to catch up on sleep, which we very successfully did. A little too successfully perhaps as we didn't wake up until after 10... Oops. 

As I've mentioned it to everyone I've ever met, I have a Bachelor of Arts that featured an Honours Year in American Studies and I have a huge nerd love for American history. One of my major topics of interest is the American Civil War and New Orleans has a museum dedicated to the Confederate Army which is a perspective you don't often get so I wanted to visit it. We decided to try walking slowly in the direction of the museum and if we got there we got there. 

We made a detour on the way to the French Market for lunch, as I've come to a stunning and horrible realisation - you can have too much of a good Creole/Cajun food thing - and we both wanted something simple. Grilled cheese sandwiches sorted that out!

After realising that we were just near the start of a Streetcar line that would take us near where we wanted to go, we decided to cheat and catch that! (Unfortunately the streetcar was not called Desire). So we got to the museum quite easily. 

The greeter at the Confederate surprised me as he mentioned that Australians were easily the most common international visitors at the museum. Apparently we stay longer in the city. (Americans seem to not really get holidays, with people employed long term casual so leave is unpaid, based on the people we've spoken to (not necessarily a strong sample!) (A waitress tonight actually said that she's worked out that Americans think they have the greatest country in the role but every time she speaks to an Australian she realises that ours is much cooler. :))

The museum was small but impressive. It didn't really try and push a a South good, North bad agenda that reviews suggested it did. It was full of personal effects including those of Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy. 

A slow wander back to the French Quarter really reminded us that New Orleans is made up of so many varied different neighbourhoods with their different histories and identities in quite a small space (it's about the same size as Adelaide.)

Oh speaking of Adelaide - "props" to the American couple who seriously asked another Australian couple on the tour yesterday if we knew each other because we were both from the same place.  Uh yeah...

Dinner tonight was on Bourbon Street, in a restaurant called Channing Tatum's Saints and Sinners. Sadly Channing was not in attendance. 

Now we're back in the hotel, packing and prepping for our journey to New York City tomorrow!! (Oh god I'm excited. I feel like I'm going home!). Funny we've only been gone a week, and we still have a month to go but it feels like things are racing and there's a tinge of sadness that we're already two places down. Sadness replaced by the thought that NYC is almost here!

So goodbye from the Big Easy and I'll speak to you next from the Big Apple!

Plantations and Rainbow Connection

Any day you don't get eaten by an alligator is a good day, so today was a good day.

Today was near entirely dedicated to an Experience Cajun Country day tour. Which in hindsight is an oddly chosen name as the first two of three events/visits were about Creole culture (People born in the New Orleans, mostly of European or African descent, prior to the Civil War (ish)) and only the last bit was Cajun. (People from or descending from a French Settlement in Canada - where Nova Scotia is now.)

...The more you know...

Basically, it was a visit to two Creole plantations and then a boat ride on a bayou/swamp.

The two plantations - Laura and Oak Alley were obviously similar but also quite different. Laura was more a story of a family, and was a multicoloured home (painting your house in bright colours was a signal that you were a French speaking Creole. English speaking Anglo residents of New Orleans ans the area had homes painted all white. ) It was not really what springs to your mind when you think of plantation homes. The plantation is being lovingly restored by a family after years and years of neglect, and still processes sugar cane. It felt more real.

Oak Alley was the grand home you expect out of a movie like Gone With The Wind. Although also Creole, it was painted white to fit in, and the front is framed by a half mile (I think) of oak trees. It was absolutely stunning. It made me want to run around in a hoop skirt, and corset yelling for Rhett and Ashley. It was certainly the more commercial of the two places, and has featured in movies like Interview With A Vampire and Beyonce's Déjà Vue video.

What is obviously noticeable in both properties are slave cottages. I took photos like the tourist I am, and oddly I think thinking about them went in my can't process basket, so I just saw it as a piece of history.  No matter even with physical evidence in front of me, I couldn't believe that slavery occurred. That humans treated humans with that cruelty as if it should be completely normal. I think I just switched off. Thinking back now, I feel more nauseous.

Both plantations are definitely worth a visit though for the history and they are beautiful. Oak Alley is the sort of place that makes you gasp from the pretty.

After that we drove into "Cajun country" and got on a little barge style boat and went for an hour bayou cruise, looking at the scenery and throwing marshmallows at alligators. Seriously. When an alligator swam up, it would get a treat or two by the captain.  When the first one swam towards us, I went into mini meltdown and was frozen to my seat while everyone else stood up to get a better look. After I realised the alligators were way more interested in candy than Courtney, I joined in and started willing them closer so I could photograph them!

The bayou was also a pretty peaceful ride, although the petrol fumes from the boat were quite strong, so maybe I was just passing out.

This was a day I'd been really looking forward to, because it would be completely new experiences and it was really good. I didn't much like the overall guide (although all the guides at the locations were excellent) but I'd definitely recommend both experiences.

Oh and the day ended with a really cute waiter at Hard Rock Cafe, who got an extra percent on his tip just for that reason. I am dreadfully shallow at times!

Last full day in NOLA tomorrow. It'll be a lazy one as we make sleep catch up a priority!

A New Attitude to New Orleans

This blog is disjointed because I originally fell asleep writing it, (it's a worry that it may be so dull even I couldn't stand it) and I'm restarting it at 4:30 in the morning. Aaron and I have developed this lovely pattern of jet lag where we can't seem to sleep at the same time. He can't sleep at all till about 3:30am, at which point I seem to wake up and lie awake for hours while he instantly goes to sleep.

Okay, I did call a dislike for New Orleans too early. Bourbon Street is still a wretched hive of scum and villainy but walking around more revealed much prettier places that felt safer, even just a street away. It was also a lovely spring day which made things seem much brighter.

A city bus tour this afternoon proved that the history and pretty is also continued in other parts of the city. The Audabon and Garden Districts are gorgeous, filled with varied style antebellum (pre-Civil War) houses and evergreen trees. Also away from the French Quarter was the huge but not creatively named City Park. It looks a great place to explore, with all different pockets from football stadiums to  mini golf to kids playgrounds and the museum of art.

Also included was a brief stop at one of the cemeteries. The cemeteries in New Orleans are above ground due to water levels, so every grave is it's own family mausoleum. They are known as the Cities of the Dead as they are laid out in streets. It makes for great photos but feels very strange.

After the tour ended on Canal Street, and my first ever visit to an Arby's - which was actually yummy, we visited the Voodoo Museum near our hotel.  It's a very small museum, but I found it genuinely interesting. My knowledge of voodoo is limited to dolls and James Bond films so it was interesting to see it's origins and learn more about the religion behind it. I hadn't realised it was actually intended to work alongside Catholicism for example.

Then a trip to Cafe du Monde. The first and most famous coffee stand/cafe in New Orleans. Famous for its Cafe Au Lait (half coffee and half milk) and beignets (French doughnuts). Obviously I didn't partake in the coffee (blergh) but did manage to force down a beignet.... or three and the kilogram of icing sugar they are coated in. We asked if we should share and was told some did, some didn't so we we ended up getting a share each. Turns out you get a lot for $2.42 and in theory we could have shared one serve. I say I theory because I'm quite sure Aaron and I would have probably had to divorce after the inevitable fight over the third one. They are that good. Similar to churros in texture but softer.

We did a quick wander around the French Marker after, I'm debating buying some of the spices here, just debating whether customs will approve.

Speaking of spices, food is delicious in New Orleans. It's spicy without being too hot, and if you prefer it hotter, there are hot sauces everywhere. We've been trying to eat as many classics as we can. Tonight's dinner was chicken and andouille sausage gumbo (a chunky soup served with rice) and po boy sandwiches. Aaron had a sausage one, and me a beef. I was beaten by the po boy as it was so big. Gumbo especially is so good. We haven't even had a proper dessert here yet because the mains (btw for a reason I don't know - mains are called entrees in the US, as opposed to Australia where what we call an entree is a starter here) is so warm and satisfying.

Actually one other tidbit about New Orleans is that we are the only Australians I've noticed here, in fact we are basically the only non-American accent. It's clearly a popular place to visit for Americans, but international guests come at other times of the year.

Today when it's officially wake up time, we're off on a plantation and swamp tour. I plan on channeling my best Scarlett O'Hara at the plantation.

Trying to go back to sleep now. Take care!