Whatever Happened To Courtney Jane?

In Kindergarten, I was the odd kid (surprising, I know) who detested finger painting and preferred to play noughts and crosses by myself or reading.  Growing up I used to read the atlas at night, learning where all the countries were.

As a primary schooler, I was the girl always in the library going through Nancy Drew books at light speed, the girl who never felt life was better than when she finally cracked 70 out of 70 on the yearly spelling tests. Seriously I almost cartwheeled around the library when I found out how to spell "seismograph" in an encyclopedia by accident one day, and knew I could rock it out at the next test. (BTW I say almost cartwheeled, because in true nerd sense, I've never been able to do one, I used to gaze at every other girl who'd spend recess doing handstands with jealousy.) When I could choose a book to buy on a family trip to Adelaide, I asked for one on Greek Mythology, which was followed by several more, and I spent so much time reading them.

As I got older, I was one of those teenagers/uni students who was going to save the world. The kind of girl who was going to name her future daughter Christabel (after Christabel Pankhurst, the suffragette), and wrote countless essays on social movements etc. I prided myself on being an intellectual (whether I actually was or not, I'm clever for sure, but certainly have always held an self inflated belief about my genius) and being someone that really cared. Things like my pro-stance on gay marriage and my intensely strong opposition to capital punishment were created and/or strengthened during those years or my very early twenties. I was going to get a PhD and I'd read history books for fun. I even had a favourite French language poem!!! (Demain Des L'Aube by Victor Hugo - still like it.)

I'm sitting here at the moment, flicking between reality tv shows on Foxtel, wondering what happened to all versions of that girl. The girl sitting on the couch, blogging, seems to have had all her intelligence and drive, and has been replaced by a girl that checks TMZ every morning to see what celebrities have broken up overnight, only reads light hearted chick lit about Shopaholics or PIs, and gets withdrawal symptoms if she doesn't watch Judge Judy every day. Why has my brain decided it's more important to store obscure song lyrics from 1986 or who won the last ten Eurovisions, rather than what year the Russian Revolution was? (I can remember the players (for some reason I was always fascinated by Kerensky) and the months of the Revolution, but the year had been forgotten.

My dad, who's is the number one influence on the beliefs and behaviour of the younger Courtney, stared at me with a mixture of bemusement and horror when I was able to identify all the characters on an ad for Dog The Bounty Hunter.

I'm not sure if it's just that as an adult, my brain is a lot more spent during the day at work, so when I get home, I just want to relax and switch off by watching/reading feather light entertainment. Is it natural to lose your passion for broadening your mind as you get older and your brain is tiring easier? Am I just genuinely kind of simple and amused by really basic things, and not clever enough for intelligent discussions? I don't know. It's probably a combination of them all.

This is all said, apart from moment where I do lament my lost brain power, I'm actually not too unhappy with being easily amused nowadays. I do enjoy just relaxing and giggling my way through bad tv, voicing my rather fervent opinion on twitter on which Masterchef contestant I either love or loathe, or just letting my brain unwind. It's just interesting to think about how much I've changed.

I do think I might go find my Greek Mythology Encyclopedia though, it's been a while since I followed Theseus through the Minotaur's Maze. (Oh and again it's lucky I don't have kids, my poor imaginary daughter if she wasn't named after a suffragette, she may have ended up named after my favourite Greek Mythology characters - do you think Andromache is too much?)

The Banana Republic Goal

Today I'm tackling a serious subject in the shallow way I do best...

I'm hugely overweight, which is of no surprise to anyone who's ever laid eyes on me, yet somehow it's never bothered me as it should. Part of it is very much tied into my low self esteem, because it suits my self hatred to think that others hate me too (reading any comments online, fat people are hated) and because I'm lazy and love bad food. (I also have a broken thyroid, which doesn't make anything easier, but I refuse to blame my portion sizes on that!) I've also kind of assumed I'll either die youngish or get something like Alzheimer's, like my grandmother, so maybe I just don't value my health or life enough, because I think I'll lose it anyway, so why not eat cookies?

I've tried half heartedly to lose weigh several times, it usually starts well for a week or two, and then I fall off the wagon and completely collapse, or I get to a point where I really start have to sacrificing tasty food and I'm out. Usually my honest addiction to Coca Cola is a major sticking point.

It has got to a point though where I'm about to hit 35 and I'm actually realising I really am getting older and less naturally fit and I'm beginning to really feel the weight I'm carrying around. Also, as I'm climbing the professional ladder, I'm realising that people really are making judgements on my appearance (deciding I'm lazy, poor control etc) and as I'm travelling lots, airplanes are just more comfortable when you're not squashing yourself into a seat, just so you can't even be seen as even slightly spilling into the next seat, or not being able to use the tray properly.I guess I'm now just a point where I'm really embarrassed to be me, and I deserve better than that.

So, what do I do? As I have said before, health or not, I'm genuinely uninterested in being at my goal weight according to Weight Watchers etc, as my life would change too dramatically to get there, my love for carbs is too strong, plus I love having cupcakes with people etc. I also find that when I put pressure on myself in terms of thinking "I need to lose this many kg by this date", I fail because if I veer off and have a bad day, I decide I can't make the goal and just panic stop. I do need to set goals though, as I'm goal oriented, and I think it's helpful for me.

But how to set a goal when you don't want to set a particular goal? (Apologies to all who hate people using "But" at the start of a sentence.) I've been thinking about things that are tangible that I can work towards without being total pressure or things that I can "break" easily. It came to me today, when I was walking through the mall. It occurred to me that every time I browse shops in the US, I find myself staring forlornly in the windows of Banana Republic, wishing I could wear their clothes. (Especially when they had a Mad Men inspired collection recently.) So that's it, that's the aim. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to buy and be able to successfully wear a dress from Banana Republic. I took their size chart measurements down, to see what I'd need to be to fit into their largest size and that's goal number one. I have to lose 20cm around each of my bust, waist and hips, which is really big, but it is doable, and as much as I'd like to set a time frame, I'm not going to. I just know I will be wearing one of their dresses at some stage over the next year or two and that makes me happy.

I'm not interested in getting so consumed by this journey that I'll talk about it frequently, so there'll be occasional updates on this blog, but not every entry will mention it. I'll mention significant failures and successes etc but my blog, which I plan on using a lot more lately, is going to be filled more with random tales about anything that takes my fancy.

Thanks for reading.

The 6 Month New Year's Resolutions Review

I am currently so impressed with myself, I actually remembered my password for something! In my bid to keep things private, I use a bunch of different passwords across the net, and a bunch of differing combinations. Of course, the slight issue here is that my memory bank in a scan would look suspiciously like swiss cheese. So it's a miracle I got here without the old "reset of password".

Anyway...hi people who read this blog. (Cute that I used a plural there... I've suddenly discovered optimism.)

I've been quiet since the holiday, as frankly coming back to winter hell, issues around my job and what I want to be when I grew up and dramas for my loved ones has seen me distracted. I'm feeling kind of sane right now though, so here I am. (Despite me being in tears over not being able to find black pants earlier...)

I've been debating what to blog about, as I have several unfinished tales, but I thought the best place to start was a review of my progress against my New Year's Resolutions. The final story of the trip, I'm still unable to blog about as I don't want it to be over in my mind, and I didn't finish my favourite movies list (just note that John Cusack features heavily.)

So here's my NY Resolutions from earlier in the year...

1. Getting healthier and into a better routine eating wise and exercise wise and cook some different things  (so far eating is better, exercise isn't)

2. Clean my two back rooms out

3. Solve a Rubik's Cube

4. Watch more movies

5. Cuddle a Koala

6. Not cut my hair (except for trims to make it healthy and for my fringe - that stays)

And here's how they've gone

1. Ummm, I did okay for a while, then I went to America and ate their fantastic bad for you food, and then have comfort fed myself through winter. I'll get back on that horse and will hopefully have something good to report by summer.

2. We've come up with a plan for the two rooms - we're going to swap their functions around, which will lead to a big clean out and new furniture but it's not done yet.

3. Should actually buy one, so I could solve it.

4. Well we saw two in the US, and have seen two since (The Avengers got two shots though, so don't know if it counts!) We'll be seeing Ted very soon. So this is probably the best progress.)

5.No :(

6. Well seeing as I'm currently sporting a short bob, it's fair to say this resolution - my main one - fell into a giant screaming heap. It wasn't really a surprise, it was actually impressive I lasted 5 months. My hair was horrible when I came back from the US, and it had to be cut off to be healthy again, and now it's been cut again today so it's neat for an important meeting I have on Monday.

So, yeah, not exactly powering through them! I think there'll be some progress over the next 6 months though.

Oh and the meeting I mentioned. I can't talk too much about it at this stage, well I guess I actually can, but in case I make a massive twit of myself I'm afraid to talk about it. It involves a job I very much want. Hopefully next blog will be filled with news of excitement and joy.

Stay well! x