The Banana Republic Goal

Today I'm tackling a serious subject in the shallow way I do best...

I'm hugely overweight, which is of no surprise to anyone who's ever laid eyes on me, yet somehow it's never bothered me as it should. Part of it is very much tied into my low self esteem, because it suits my self hatred to think that others hate me too (reading any comments online, fat people are hated) and because I'm lazy and love bad food. (I also have a broken thyroid, which doesn't make anything easier, but I refuse to blame my portion sizes on that!) I've also kind of assumed I'll either die youngish or get something like Alzheimer's, like my grandmother, so maybe I just don't value my health or life enough, because I think I'll lose it anyway, so why not eat cookies?

I've tried half heartedly to lose weigh several times, it usually starts well for a week or two, and then I fall off the wagon and completely collapse, or I get to a point where I really start have to sacrificing tasty food and I'm out. Usually my honest addiction to Coca Cola is a major sticking point.

It has got to a point though where I'm about to hit 35 and I'm actually realising I really am getting older and less naturally fit and I'm beginning to really feel the weight I'm carrying around. Also, as I'm climbing the professional ladder, I'm realising that people really are making judgements on my appearance (deciding I'm lazy, poor control etc) and as I'm travelling lots, airplanes are just more comfortable when you're not squashing yourself into a seat, just so you can't even be seen as even slightly spilling into the next seat, or not being able to use the tray properly.I guess I'm now just a point where I'm really embarrassed to be me, and I deserve better than that.

So, what do I do? As I have said before, health or not, I'm genuinely uninterested in being at my goal weight according to Weight Watchers etc, as my life would change too dramatically to get there, my love for carbs is too strong, plus I love having cupcakes with people etc. I also find that when I put pressure on myself in terms of thinking "I need to lose this many kg by this date", I fail because if I veer off and have a bad day, I decide I can't make the goal and just panic stop. I do need to set goals though, as I'm goal oriented, and I think it's helpful for me.

But how to set a goal when you don't want to set a particular goal? (Apologies to all who hate people using "But" at the start of a sentence.) I've been thinking about things that are tangible that I can work towards without being total pressure or things that I can "break" easily. It came to me today, when I was walking through the mall. It occurred to me that every time I browse shops in the US, I find myself staring forlornly in the windows of Banana Republic, wishing I could wear their clothes. (Especially when they had a Mad Men inspired collection recently.) So that's it, that's the aim. Sometime in the near future, I'm going to buy and be able to successfully wear a dress from Banana Republic. I took their size chart measurements down, to see what I'd need to be to fit into their largest size and that's goal number one. I have to lose 20cm around each of my bust, waist and hips, which is really big, but it is doable, and as much as I'd like to set a time frame, I'm not going to. I just know I will be wearing one of their dresses at some stage over the next year or two and that makes me happy.

I'm not interested in getting so consumed by this journey that I'll talk about it frequently, so there'll be occasional updates on this blog, but not every entry will mention it. I'll mention significant failures and successes etc but my blog, which I plan on using a lot more lately, is going to be filled more with random tales about anything that takes my fancy.

Thanks for reading.